One of the worst moments in life is probably the one when you’re in a room full of people and you look around and an you can see them all talking and laughing. But all of sudden you feel so sad and lonely that you can actually feel a physical pain in your chest because you realize that they all belong to someone and they all have someone who belongs to them and you don’t, you’re just kind of there..
You feel sad because there is some kind of connection between them, and you stay there, and watch them and don't feel like you belong anywhere, anymore. Your body is there, but your soul, your mind? Is far, far away of that room. It's miles away or even years away, back in the past. You're thinking about past moments when you belonged somewhere, when you had that one true person to whom you could share your hopes and dreams, your ups and downs, your thoughts and feelings. And then, all gets to one particular moment when that person, let's say is a she, left just because she couldn't stand your downs, she could no longer get you, understand that you are lost, that your mind is in the wrong place. But you still miss her at times, most of them in moments when you're doing something you would've done it with her. And in moments like these, you feel sorry for her, for your friendship, for everything you've experienced together. All those late nights, all that laughter, all the drunk moments, everything, come to your mind and you feel like falling apart, you feel like you're drowning. And you hate her cause you miss her with all your heart. But also you feel sorry for what she has become. And you no longer want her to be part of your life. You make peace with yourself, with your past self. And you get it that if she ever was your friend, she is no longer worth that spot in your life.
And after a while you write her, just to get your sense of closure. And you feel ok after that, you finally can stop thinking about all that happend and you can finally focus on yourself, on your soul's recovery... It took too much and you wasted too much time focusing on the past, rather than focusing on yourself. And that physical pain is getting smaller and smaller, and for a while, or every time she pops into your mind, it reappears, but its not the same. After a couple of messages, you receive your closure, your well deserved rest and peace and you no longer feel that pain in your chest. And then you realise that the physical pain is not provoked by the past, but by the fact that you will always, sort of, think that you may never find a person like her or him. And that sucks, yet you also believe that someday you will find that person better, truer, simpler yet complicated and that will be right there even when you're down. And that one person, will stay right there even she or him knows every inch of your body, and soul and past. And she or he will love every cell of you.
Yours warmly,
Graţiela, the one in love with the future and past.
